I have a spidey-sense for my oldest (2.5yr).
Perhaps this will grow for the youngest too (1yr), when he is a little older and showing his social cues, emotional reactions, opinions; but it is completely undeniable at this time for the oldest.
I understand what people always say about Moms hurting when their kids hurt.
Sometimes it’s debilitating. It’s distracting from my own thoughts or task at hand, at the least.
Sometimes, I wonder if it could really be true, when I react to him from long distances; is it in my head? Am I making up how he feels about the circumstances, based on my own personal stories and fears? That is true for all of us, in any case - we can only process things through the filters we have, which are uniquely our own. I suppose it’s how children are shaped by the bias of their parents and without awareness, we could take this too far. We could take it to a place where we decide their emotions for them by telling them it is so. I have to check this at times.
I counter my reaction to provide all of his little heart’s desires by the rationale that he needs to be shaped by this world in order to live it in. We all do. We need to feel things out of our reach, impulses unfollowed, boundaries met. We need to experience the emotions these things prompt in order to learn a coping strategy for each. We parents need to allow them to sink in for our children, so they can build their own coping skills. Sometimes for physical safety, sometimes for gaining the respect of others, or to learn how it feels to wait in order to build patience.
Oh, but Mama wants to meet every need.
I want to let him roll on the ground in public, if that’s what makes his heart feel free. I want to give him a cup without a cover in the church pew, if that means he feels independent. I want to let him run when he’s embarrassed, let him cry when he meets the pain of rejection, let him yell when he disagrees.
You can see why some of these would become problematic.
When I’m weakened by my own overwhelm or insecurities, you can imagine he gets more of what his toddler brain decides is appropriate than what my adult brain knows is OK.
That’s where I need my husband.
His partnership in parenting is many things: It’s a second perspective when I can’t get out of my own, it’s two more arms for physical safety, it’s two more eyes for seeing wider and farther than I can alone.
His partnership is masculine in a way that my mama heart never will be. I swear, my biology and every cell in my body says, “meet every need, even the perceived ones, even the irrational ones.”
And not because I’m a mom, but because I am me – I’m already a fluid, emotion-driven, swirling feather in the wind. If I imagine the development of my family under my leadership alone, even I don’t like the results! Sounds scary. Sounds chaotic.
This is also where I meet my match; where I walk the talk.
When my husband creates the boundary we all need, you can imagine how I don’t like it either. I want to cry about the rejection too. Thankfully, my adult brain can rationalize fast of enough not to cry along with him (barely ).
Today in church, the message included guidance that
[[a growing faith requires an increasing test]].
That’s a whole 'nother blog in itself, but as it relates to this one – choosing motherhood has been an ever-increasing test. Choosing marriage is an ever-increasing test. Humankind is an ever-increasing test.
Survival is adaptation; and that’s something we cannot successfully avoid. My stubborn self still attempts to gain and maintain control; I think it makes God laugh.
We have to keep trying to embrace that the destination IS the journey.
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