I’m very curious how others feel about this topic, but the stats say you wouldn’t tell me.
Shame. I didn’t think this applied to me. That’s the irony… we’re even ashamed that we feel shame.
What I’m finding is that shame actually drives a lot of my behaviors and my moods; my ability to “face the world”. The outside world yes, but actually more so my inside, intimate world; the constructs shared closely with those in my home, my immediate family, and best friends. Those on the outside are easily fooled by a smile and they aren’t affected much by my personal shame; To be frank, they don’t really care.
I’m at the beginning of a shame-journey, alongside many journeys that run at once. Here are the basics*:
- Shame is about failing your own standards - not living your life according to your own rules (and for me, it’s also my perceived standards of those very closest to me).
- Shame adds significantly to our stress. If near-perfection is the standard we've set, given that we're human and incapable of perfection, the pressure is on EVERY time we attempt a task. Even tiny ones.
- Shame is a byproduct of our fears around vulnerability. Our desire for connection requires being ‘good enough’ to connect with; When we don’t meet our own standards, we are ashamed and associate that with our worthiness for being loved by another.
- Shame does actually have a purpose related to our self-awareness. The catch is knowing when it’s unnecessary and letting that shame go from our minds and bodies.
In the past, I’ve called myself a recovering perfectionist. I’ve successfully reduced my standards from ‘perfect’ to ‘near-perfect’. It took about 10 years, maybe age 17 to 27, but it’s good to acknowledge progress More to come…
*Sources: meQuilibrium, Brene Brown
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